Super Powers: A New Perspective

My brain works best in the shower. Last night I used it until the water ran cold. Why? Unfortunately, I was deep in thought. I say unfortunately because the thoughts I had were useless, but intriguing nonetheless.

I thought about super powers. To me, it seems like they should be available, but only with strict limitations. As a prelude to these thoughts, I do want to note that I understand the principle core definition of a super power is to be exactly that: Super (without limitations). But for the sake of explanation of my thought process, just hear me out.

How super powers should work for everyday human beings, in theory:

Telekinesis – Your power of telekinesis should only be as strong as your physical ability permits (i.e. if you can physically push a 100lb rock, then you will mentally be able to push it as well). Similarly, if you cannot push a stalled Honda Civic down on a slight incline by yourself, neither can your mind. However, your radius for said telekinesis will only be able to function within a ten yard bubble (or ten meter, depending on what country you were born in) from where you stand at any given time.

Teleportation – Your destination of teleportation can only go as far as you can physically see. Your best bet to travel long distances would most likely be to teleport from a tall location. In addition, your teleportation refractory time should be as fast as your orgasm refractory time. I think that’s only fair.

Invisibility – You should only be able to be as invisible for as long as you can hold your breath. Exhaling in any way starts to fade your body back into sight. By the time you need to inhale again, you are fully visible.

Unlimited strength - *You can only have either unlimited strength, or telekinesis, because having both would be ridiculous and simply unfair. You may never possess both at a single time. Perhaps after a two-year contractual agreement after your possessing one power or another may you switch your plan, but that’s only in theory.

Flight/Levitation – You may levitate/fly only as high as your vertical jump (wherever your fingertips can touch, is where the bottom of your feet can reach when you fly).

Stop Time – You can only stop time for as long as you can hold a constipated state (i.e. when you are seriously trying to push a piece of poo out of your ass).

Night Vision – You can have perfect sight in any light (or darkness) only for the amount of time that you can trust yourself walking inside of the mall at a normal speed... with your eyes closed... during peak hours. *No peeking allowed. (No pun intended)

Time Travel – You can only travel back (never forward) in time in as many minutes as you have lives left at the end of completing CONTRA using the CONTRA/KONAMI code. (i.e. if you are a gaming master, the furthest back you can travel in time is 99 minutes). *You may try as many times as you like to increase the time*


On the flip-side, I’ve discovered a short list of superpowers that are the least wanted in the world:

Ketchup Transformer – The ability to turn anything into ketchup.
Flower Face – The ability to turn your face into a flower anytime.
Acid Tears – The ability to secrete nitric acid tears whenever you are sad.
Bug-Pathy – The ability to communicate with insects.
A-Sexual Reproduction – The ability to reproduce a-sexually, by yourself


... I personally would like to have the Ketchup Transformer power, but then again, I tend to run out of ketchup more quickly than the average ketchup consumer.