Bathroom Etiquette

Times may change, but the bathroom rules are still the same, aren’t they?

A simple overview of the common rules:

-Don’t talk to anybody. Look straight ahead or down when you do your business standing up.

-Only nod at one another completely before or completely after finishing.

-Try your best to keep a buffer stall in between you.

When people choose to disregard these rules by engaging in any way, shape or form with me, I simply ignore them. They can talk to me outside when we’re done.

So anyway, I had a weird experience in the bathroom today.

I went to the executive floor of our building (where all of the six-figure money-makers sit). After running a couple of errands, I felt that I should just go ahead and empty my bladder really quickly, since the bathroom was right there. It’s eight-fifteen in the morning and I figure that means the place should be rather empty. Very wrong, Matthew. Very wrong.

The bathroom on that floor from left to right looks like this: Handicap stall, regular stall, urinal, urinal, two sinks, door. The door doesn’t have a handle, it’s one that just requires a simple push to open and close, kind of like a swinging door. Anyway, my tennis shoes barely made a sound as I quietly walked in, the swinging door gently closing quietly behind me. Immediately I noticed that there were already two people using both stalls, each with a pair of feet and bunched up pants gathered at the ankles. Unusual, because I thought that executives would much rather prefer to use their own, personal toilets at home instead of the public ones at work, but still, it didn’t bother me much. I have a feeling that they don't notice me, and sometimes I like to play a ninja game to see if I can get away with it. I use the stall furthest to the right, just to distance myself and quietly handle my business.

It’s during mid-stream when it happens. One of the guys in there lets out the most gnarly, grotesque, wet fart you’d ever heard. For a second, it’s almost so quiet that you could hear a pin drop on the floor. And for a fleeting moment, it seemed as though it would stay that way.

That’s when the other guy in the handicap stall started to giggle.

And then the guy who farted let out an exasperated laugh, too. While doing so, he farted again, unable to control his flatulence.

Which ultimately left them both laughing loudly together.

Now, I’m not one for open communication in the bathroom, but I thought that was funny as hell, so I joined in the laughter, thus making me nearly miss the urinal. Instantly, the room quieted. It just hit me that they hadn’t known I was in there. I didn’t know if I should feel embarrassed with them, or not. But whatever the case, I finished up in a hurry. After I was done, I quickly washed up and left the bathroom.

I know that I have a lot of things to take care of today, but I figure that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I hung around outside of the bathroom, tinkering with some stuff just down the hall inconspicuously monitoring the men's restroom door.

Turns out the CEO and the CFO walked out of the bathroom one minute after the other.

They’ll never know who the mystery laugh came from.

Don’t worry guys; your secret is safe with me.