Letter of Gratitude

To the person who opened and drank my milk that I just bought,

Hi. I hope you enjoyed the brand-new carton of milk that I just bought yesterday. I know I would have. I know that you probably didn't see the big red, bolded, capitalized words that I wrote in thick, permanent marker which read: "DO NOT DRINK. DO NOT THROW AWAY. PROPERTY OF MATT LORENZO" on the sides. Heck, if I needed milk and couldn't make the effort to get my own, I'd probably do the same - I mean, after all, we ARE at work, aren't we? It's not like there's a Wal-Mart a hundred-fifty steps due south of the building.... oh, wait, there is?

Well anyhoo, none of that matters. I'll give you the benifit of the doubt and guess that you probably didn't know about that location. I mean, why else would you go and drink half of a quart of a brand-new carton of milk that somebody else purchased, right? I bet that feeling of peeling apart the protective, plastic seal was just a joy too good to pass up, huh?

Things like this happen all of the time, right? Heck, it could have been your milk that you thought you were drinking all along, right? Granted, the only other thing made of white that I saw on the shelf of the community fridge was a jar of mayonaise... which I also bought and wrote on, but still, hey, we all make clumsy mistakes, right?

Don't take this the wrong way. I mean, I'm not mad or anything. I'm actually impressed with your boldness. It takes a lot of courage to go through such a decision. I'm sure that you had a bowl of cereal already poured, just praying, hoping, wishing that there would be some milk that magically appeared out of nowhere just calling your name, didn't you?

I mean, it's insane to think of how else it could have happened. There's no possible way that you could have, say... had something else lined up in your mind that you wanted to eat that didn't require milk at all. That might have been about the time when you opened up the fridge to peek around, although you knew for sure that you didn't put anything in there yourself in the first place. Then upon seeing the new milk there for the first time, you decided that it's been a while since you had oatmeal, and since you didn't have any of your own, you thought that your cube-mate would gladly give you a scoop or two of theirs since it always smells so good in the morning. So then, after going through all of the trouble of getting the oatmeal, you trucked back down to the fridge and used the milk to satiate your newfound craving. And upon doing so, decided on taking a tall glass from the cabinet and pour yourself a full helping of milk from that same carton so that you could wash down that tasty oatmeal. Then upon realizing that you've had half the carton all by your lonesome, you shamefully put the milk back in what you thought might have been its original place...

Yeah. Psshhhh, that's just absurd. Like that would ever be the case.

Well, congrats. I hope the milk tasted wonderful.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be buying myself a new carton of milk that I will be storing in a different location.

In addition, I will be buying a heavy, heavy.... heavy laxitive. But don't worry - It's not for the existing milk carton that you most likely will still be drinking from again...

No... Not for that at all...