Things Not to Do

1.) If you need to relieve your bladder or ease the turtling-effect (aka if you are 'pushing cloth') and there is only a single-stalled/toilet bathroom in a given public arena, do not - in ANY capacity - ever allow somebody into said bathroom before you.

Why?
They will ALWAYS take too long, and ultimately make you give them the stink-eye once they leave the bathroom, only to receive nothing but a look of confusion from them.

*Exception: If the person that wants to use the restroom is a girl regardless of any age or physical attractiveness.

Addendum-1: Rule above apparently only applies to men in both parties of the scenario. Females have their own set of arcane rules that make absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.


2.) Never sit next to me in a coffee shop if you are a small group of cute girls, or girls whose cuteness I have yet to determine.

Why?
I know it sounds cliche, but I really am at the coffee shop to try to get some writing done. Your presence alone is distracting me from what I need to get done. If you absolutely must sit next to me while I work, please do me the courtesy of at least trying to look ugly. And if that ends up turning me on or grabbing my attention, at least do me the common decency of flirting with me so that I can feel that it's all worth it. The absolute LAST thing that you and your friends should do is pose sexily in front of your laptop's webcam. That really irrtates me because I can't tell if I'm supposed to like you or hate you. So in the end, not only am I distracted, but I am irritated as well... which means that I can't get any of the original work that I was trying to accomplish done in the first place.

*Exception: If you are married, you are excused from the above.
Addendum-1: Never mind, you are still subject to the rule.
Addendum-2: I hate you.


3.) Do not leave the gym equipment without wiping it down; especially after grunting on it for the past five minutes.

Why?
Come on, really?

*Exception: Hot chick.
Addendum-1: The hot chick card trumps EVERY rule for the time being.
Addendum-2: Whatever happens AFTER the 'time being', may or may not lower the 'trump-ness' of the hot chick card (e.g. over time the crazy factor of hot chick may throw off the scale)


There are a pleothra of other cardinal rules one should never break, but these are three that were broken for me yesterday in succession. For that, I simply cannot forgive human beings in general. EVER.

*...Exception: Are you a hot chick? Follow me @ Twitter.com/Mattlorenz
Addendum-1: I will forgive everything you do.
Addendum-2: Seriously.