Head Talk

I think I have multiple-personality disorder.

In any given social situation, I have exactly four people in my head arguing with one another at every waking moment of the day.

The names of those people are:

-The Pushover
-The Asshole
-The Indecisive One
-The One That Never Pays Attention

Scenario? Sure, why not?

Scene:
A pretty girl that I've met only once before says hi to me at Starbucks and decides to spend a few minutes sharing a drink with me.

The Pushover will be telling my brain: "Hey, make sure that you don't cross the line. You want her to think that you're a gentleman, don't you? Apologize for anything that might seem off-key because the last thing you want is for her to not want to see you again; heck, for all you know, she might be 'the one' for you. And if you get the chance, offer to buy her another cup of coffee when she finishes hers because she'll think you're sweet, too.

The Asshole will say: "Shut-up you Pushover pansy. Why don't you go and buy yourself some tampons for your huge vagina? Anyway, listen Matthew, this girl is used to getting anything that she wants. Don't give her anything. She needs to EARN it from you. What qualifies HER to be deserving of YOUR time? The worst thing you can do is bow down and put her on a pedestal like every single other guy she's met. If you want to stand out, stand up for yourself and ignore the hell out of her. Make her want you.

The Indecisive One will say: "Well, hey now, Pushover and Asshole, let's not get ahead of ourselves now. Remember, Matthew, you guys just met, so let her take you where you need to go. Just adapt to what she has to say. Keep quiet and don't say anything bold or brash. You don't want to come off as arrogant, or as a wuss, right? Oh, crap, she just asked you a question! Quick, counter! Say something like 'Um, well, what about you? What do you think about it?' Yeah, that'll do it. Because then, you can just build your answer around what she says, no matter what her answer is! Yeah, keep to that and you'll be golden.

The One That Never Pays Attention will say: "What is she saying right now? God, I know that she was just talking about her sick mother... I think. But there's that stupid one-legged bird sitting outside the window again. Matthew, you should be listening to her, shouldn't you? But damn, that bird is strange looking. Look at it hop around like that! I wonder if it was born that way or if some mean kid grabbed it and cut the leg off. Man, I bet that would hurt. How could I survive with one leg? I'd never be able to get around anywhere... but then again, birds can fly, so I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world. Oh crap, she just asked me a question, didn't she? I can't just tell her that I was thinking about that stupid bird. God, I hate birds. I know I should probably be sad because her face looks sad. Okay, just match her facial expression and tilt your head at her. You should be fine. Now where'd that bird go?

So yes, I have those four voices floating around my head at all times. And then I have my actual mind, which acts as the president over those four branches of government that is my brain. This is the one being that makes the executive decisions for me. If for any reason my mind sees no feasable way that the four voices can come to a unanimous decision, it will be the overriding force that commands an immediate direct course of action be taken... usually by coin-flip.

These voices can be heard the loudest when I am lost on the road. I usually have to turn the radio up really loud to drown them out. Then I proceed to take the longest way home... Every time.

Anyway - hey look, someone left a doughnut on the table! How old is it? Can I eat it? I don't want to be rude and just take it. But it's out in the open though, so just grab it. Maybe I should wait. Woah! My big toe on my left foot has a weird scar on the side, where the hell did that come from?

F-it! Just go to the bathroom and take a dump.